Dear God,

I know I could just talk to you, but for some reason the words come to me better when I write them. This has been one crazy week huh? The past few days I felt like I hit rock bottom...I am not sure I have ever felt that low or down. I thought about doing some really stupid stuff, but I felt this deep inner peace...so I didn't. I knew you were there....I am kinda mad or disappointed or furious at myself...you gave me something real real special, you trusted me with it, and i blew it pretty good huh? Now I feel this uncertainty of why I am where I am, and why things happened the way they did....I know a lot of it is my fault, and the cost for my stupid decision. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be talking to you...like I don't even deserve that. Something I realized today though is that I cannot accept anyone else's forgiveness without forgiving myself first. I am trying to do things right now, trying to respond right. I kinda feel like I am in the middle of the ocean, alone, fighting for survival because I thought I was strong enough even tho there were warning signs everywhere saying rough waters. I am trying to fight these waves, but I am getting pretty exhausted. It has me all messed up. Thats why I wanna talk to you. I know you are here with me even though I hurt you. I want to say sorry, I am real sorry. My goal today, and maybe over the next few days (I am trying hard but it may take a little time) is to forgive myself and to trust you in this situation. After I forgive myself my next thing is to accept your forgiveness, I feel like I have been in this situation before....remember when it took me about 18 months for forgiving myself and accepting your forgiveness....I dont want that to happen again. Thank you for being so faithful to me, and believing in me, most the time I really don't deserve it. Can I ask you something....help the people I hurt....help the people I let down, help me to mend back together the wounds i caused. Give me patience, understanding and wisdom. If I messed up things that will never be fixed, I pray that you help me to still give 150% to those people. Help me to be selfless, my desire is to just give, not to guard myself, but give til it hurts no matter what the outcome is. Thank you for listening...its hard with Nicole gone, its hard not really having someone to talk to....Thank you for always being there, through the ups and the downs, I give this entire situation to you, because I really cannot handle it by myself. I love you, and I trust you in all of this.

Psalms 18:6-
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from His sanctuary;
my cry to Him reached His ears.

It has been too long...

I love this thing...I dont know why, but sometimes it feels good just to express feelings. Just to warn you my brain is very scattered, all over the place, 2 second attention span at the moment, so it will be revealed in this post.

First off, I was thinking today how bad I would love to write a paper! I have not had one single paper due yet this semester, most people would be loving it...but I love papers, I dominate papers...these Biology labs and such just really aren't my thing, cant I just write a paper...? Grrrr..

Today was my first day back to class after a wonderful spring break, but after this spring break my mind is in overload. First off, I feel so confused as to where I belong, when I go home...its just not the same anymore. things I used to be a part of, or people's lives I used to be a part of I feel so far away and uninvited or out of place. I have been thinking about this summer, and I am not sure that I belong in Oshkosh...I love my family, but that is really the only thing that seems like home. I think it felt even more like that too because Nicole wasn't there, it was such a odd feeling....

Another thought....everyone is getting married or engaged or talking about it, and it freaks me out so much. i am so far from that and for some reason i feel pressured into being comfortable with the thought of it, but I am not even ready to be comfortable with even the thought of one day...

I am also struggling with being angry at certain people....when people hurt me, instead of being mature and telling them they hurt me, i try to hide that I am hurt so i just get upset or mad at them, there are a few people on my life that have hurt me, not just once but reoccurring times, and I am really having a hard time forgiving them when they arent sorry and they keep doing it...

Lately God has really shown me the beauty in a lot of things, or in different ideas...He has really stolen my heart...I have been challenged to know his word even more than I know song lyrics (sounds goofy, but basically any song that comes on the radio i can sing....and I cant just ramble off something so much more important and eternal....the thought of that bothers me.)

Just wanna share something with you...

Dear (Insert your name here),

You have captured my heart, my princess/prince. I will always love you. From the moment I dreamed you up, I LOVED and ADORED you. This love I have for you is never ending and ever present. My heartfelt desire is for you to walk through all of your days knowing that you are truly the love of my life. I never want you to feel like you have to earn my affection; nothing you have said or done can or will ever change the way I feel about you. I have chosen you to be my precious Bride. If you allow your soul to settle into Mine and become one with Me, you will never doubt that I am forever and always devoted to you.

Love,
Your Prince Jesus

I read that this morning, and all day all i can think is....Wow...that is Love. Not just the love thrown around in this generation but that is perfect love. That is concentrated Love. The real deal....

Sweet & Sour

Life lately seems to be one or the other. There are moments when I think nothing could be better, when I think I have reached the top, only to be followed by a moment I dread, and conversation I dread or drama that I really dont want to be a part of. The hardest part of this entire transition is being Nicoleless. lol My best friend is one of a kind. Its one of those things I dont have to say one word and she knows exactly what is going on. I swear she keeps me sane!! When things are sour, her and I usually go to walmart and buy pickles and cookie dough and have a movie night...she even holds me sometimes when I need it, or we go rollerblading, or to "make-out rock." Her and I are two totally different people, but we understand each other better than anyone else I know. Nicole, I am going crazy without you...

There is something about home....I dont like Wisconsin, dont like Oshkosh, and dont have many friends to go home to, but there is something about home that makes everything better. Maybe its the smell of my house, or my family, maybe its that my dogs greet me no matter what mistakes i made or what my mood is, maybe its the quiet snow that seems to alwasy be falling, maybe its because I know my place there, im not sure...but home..i sure do miss you, and i cant wait to pay a visit...regain my sanity....

God has been really speaking to me about joy...He has been showing me that Joy isnt conditional...he gave me a reason to have joy...bad days will come, mood swings will come, but i always have a reason to have joy and never have a reason to be without it...thats something I have been working towards...

Lately...when i pray, i feel like I am talking to myself, to a brick wall...I just wanna be like God are you listening! Are you there...but then he has been speaking to me through a lot of other things...just don't always feel like he's listening....its frustrating...

I have really been trying to map out a good relationships...Pastor Kyle and Jess at Central Assembly have really been a role model to me, they have no idea, but I have kinda been watching them, and I really look up to them and what they have together. I noticed one of the coolest things ever this week...even more than Caleb is my boyfriend...he is my best friend here...I value our friendship so much, I have had a huge breakthrough...I had no problem trusting him with my life, but today was the day that I gave complete trust in him...he has my heart and I trust him with my feelings and emotions...there is no turning back from here...I am in this for the long run. Can't wait to bring him home, I am so proud of him as a person and also proud to say he is mine!

Come to the realization.

Lately I have been thinking...What does a good relationship look like...I have had a near perfect relationship modeled to me by my parents. I would kill to have what they have...but if i had what they have, it wouldn't be my relationship, wouldn't be customized. I myself have never experienced a healthy, deep, relationship, so this is something I have been thinking about.

Sometimes I struggle with the thought that I will never succeed in a good healthy relationship, because the devil has really messed me up with some bad relationships, most don't know that though because I do not open up and explain details or experiences I have had. Sometimes the devil tries to tell me I don't deserve it. Trust is the hardest thing for me...i can easily trust someone with my life, but I struggle trusting..its not just a struggle, its near impossible for me to trust someone with my emotions and with my heart.

Now you have heard the kinda down part...but this is me declaring victory. For every note I wrote saying I would never trust again, or let my walls down for anyone, SCREW YOU! lol (that kinda feels good to say). God has made me new, and God set me up for success! Every day I wake up and have to decide if I am going to let someone in or not, "God did not make us to be alone"....God has restored me, and I feel like he is really convicting me of living a life of fear. So, here is the deal, God is gonna be my strength, and even though my past made me who I am today, It will not dictate my present or my future, because I let it dictate too much of my life already, and it wears me out worrying and fearing so much. So I am shaking it off. I am going to trust like my trust has never been broken.

That was my random rampage, but I guess I have been really wondering what a healthy relationship includes, I have a lot of ideas, and have been learning a lot of what one looks like, but I want peoples input and ideas (especially you Mommy Hansen!! lol)

SO I AM ASKING FOR YOUR COMMENTS!!

The Transition.

So much has happened I do not know where to begin. First though who ever is reading this, know that I am going to be an open book, so basically you are going to see all of my true colors and I am not going to hold back, so that is your warning.

I basically just disappeared from home...I didnt really tell many people I was going to be leaving. The reason for that is that I dont feel super close to many people at home. My best friend Nicole and her entire family I am very close to, but for the most part I feel like there are a lot of surface or artificial relationships simply because we are in the same place at the same time. I am almost desperate for a friendship that is more than that. Nicole is really the only lasting meaningful relationship I have had...seems like in other states I can't find that. I want someone to be honest with me, to tell me how it really is. Not put on the fake smile, tell me the hurtful truth sometimes. I need to be pushed, to be questioned...

Being here in Springfield I have met a lot of people who I would like to make that part of my life, and I would like to invest that time and effort in as well...but I guess I am just waiting for it to get to that depth.

My best friend is in Spain, and I am so excited for her!! I wish so bad I was there with her...but I guess God had a different agenda for me.

God has been amazing through everything that has happened. There has been a lot of times where I have been frustrated with Him and felt alone, but it only lasts a moment. He has made Him self known in every area of my life. He has really laid the book of Esther on my heart lately...God is my King and I feel like hes saying I will give you half of my Kingdom...is it selfish if i want the Nations...is that more than half? That is my favorite worship song tho...I want my family to be safe, secure, and healthy...i want God to rejuvinate them, to show up and bless them, and I want the nations!! I dont know how He is going to use me...and that is hard for me...i feel discouraged like I dont know what I am working towards...but i have built up anticipation and I know He will let me know when I am ready!

Lastly, I am sure if you are reading this at all, and you know me, you are like woah Brooke has a boyfriend? So yes, I have a boyfriend. He will be coming to Wisconsin pretty soon with me (cant tell you when because I am keeping it a secret from Whitney so it can be a surprise!!) It has been a total God thing how everything has worked out. I am very comfortable in thi srealtionship and also excited to say its going in the right direction! It is nice to have someone challenge you spiritually and also be in a relationship where God is the Mediator. It all seems fast and almost too much to take in all at once, but Caleb has been such a blessing, and an amazing friend also. I have a pretty good feeling about this one. Can't wait for all you guys to meet him!