Dear God,

I know I could just talk to you, but for some reason the words come to me better when I write them. This has been one crazy week huh? The past few days I felt like I hit rock bottom...I am not sure I have ever felt that low or down. I thought about doing some really stupid stuff, but I felt this deep inner peace...so I didn't. I knew you were there....I am kinda mad or disappointed or furious at myself...you gave me something real real special, you trusted me with it, and i blew it pretty good huh? Now I feel this uncertainty of why I am where I am, and why things happened the way they did....I know a lot of it is my fault, and the cost for my stupid decision. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be talking to you...like I don't even deserve that. Something I realized today though is that I cannot accept anyone else's forgiveness without forgiving myself first. I am trying to do things right now, trying to respond right. I kinda feel like I am in the middle of the ocean, alone, fighting for survival because I thought I was strong enough even tho there were warning signs everywhere saying rough waters. I am trying to fight these waves, but I am getting pretty exhausted. It has me all messed up. Thats why I wanna talk to you. I know you are here with me even though I hurt you. I want to say sorry, I am real sorry. My goal today, and maybe over the next few days (I am trying hard but it may take a little time) is to forgive myself and to trust you in this situation. After I forgive myself my next thing is to accept your forgiveness, I feel like I have been in this situation before....remember when it took me about 18 months for forgiving myself and accepting your forgiveness....I dont want that to happen again. Thank you for being so faithful to me, and believing in me, most the time I really don't deserve it. Can I ask you something....help the people I hurt....help the people I let down, help me to mend back together the wounds i caused. Give me patience, understanding and wisdom. If I messed up things that will never be fixed, I pray that you help me to still give 150% to those people. Help me to be selfless, my desire is to just give, not to guard myself, but give til it hurts no matter what the outcome is. Thank you for listening...its hard with Nicole gone, its hard not really having someone to talk to....Thank you for always being there, through the ups and the downs, I give this entire situation to you, because I really cannot handle it by myself. I love you, and I trust you in all of this.

Psalms 18:6-
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from His sanctuary;
my cry to Him reached His ears.