Dear God,

I know I could just talk to you, but for some reason the words come to me better when I write them. This has been one crazy week huh? The past few days I felt like I hit rock bottom...I am not sure I have ever felt that low or down. I thought about doing some really stupid stuff, but I felt this deep inner peace...so I didn't. I knew you were there....I am kinda mad or disappointed or furious at myself...you gave me something real real special, you trusted me with it, and i blew it pretty good huh? Now I feel this uncertainty of why I am where I am, and why things happened the way they did....I know a lot of it is my fault, and the cost for my stupid decision. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be talking to you...like I don't even deserve that. Something I realized today though is that I cannot accept anyone else's forgiveness without forgiving myself first. I am trying to do things right now, trying to respond right. I kinda feel like I am in the middle of the ocean, alone, fighting for survival because I thought I was strong enough even tho there were warning signs everywhere saying rough waters. I am trying to fight these waves, but I am getting pretty exhausted. It has me all messed up. Thats why I wanna talk to you. I know you are here with me even though I hurt you. I want to say sorry, I am real sorry. My goal today, and maybe over the next few days (I am trying hard but it may take a little time) is to forgive myself and to trust you in this situation. After I forgive myself my next thing is to accept your forgiveness, I feel like I have been in this situation before....remember when it took me about 18 months for forgiving myself and accepting your forgiveness....I dont want that to happen again. Thank you for being so faithful to me, and believing in me, most the time I really don't deserve it. Can I ask you something....help the people I hurt....help the people I let down, help me to mend back together the wounds i caused. Give me patience, understanding and wisdom. If I messed up things that will never be fixed, I pray that you help me to still give 150% to those people. Help me to be selfless, my desire is to just give, not to guard myself, but give til it hurts no matter what the outcome is. Thank you for listening...its hard with Nicole gone, its hard not really having someone to talk to....Thank you for always being there, through the ups and the downs, I give this entire situation to you, because I really cannot handle it by myself. I love you, and I trust you in all of this.

Psalms 18:6-
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from His sanctuary;
my cry to Him reached His ears.

It has been too long...

I love this thing...I dont know why, but sometimes it feels good just to express feelings. Just to warn you my brain is very scattered, all over the place, 2 second attention span at the moment, so it will be revealed in this post.

First off, I was thinking today how bad I would love to write a paper! I have not had one single paper due yet this semester, most people would be loving it...but I love papers, I dominate papers...these Biology labs and such just really aren't my thing, cant I just write a paper...? Grrrr..

Today was my first day back to class after a wonderful spring break, but after this spring break my mind is in overload. First off, I feel so confused as to where I belong, when I go home...its just not the same anymore. things I used to be a part of, or people's lives I used to be a part of I feel so far away and uninvited or out of place. I have been thinking about this summer, and I am not sure that I belong in Oshkosh...I love my family, but that is really the only thing that seems like home. I think it felt even more like that too because Nicole wasn't there, it was such a odd feeling....

Another thought....everyone is getting married or engaged or talking about it, and it freaks me out so much. i am so far from that and for some reason i feel pressured into being comfortable with the thought of it, but I am not even ready to be comfortable with even the thought of one day...

I am also struggling with being angry at certain people....when people hurt me, instead of being mature and telling them they hurt me, i try to hide that I am hurt so i just get upset or mad at them, there are a few people on my life that have hurt me, not just once but reoccurring times, and I am really having a hard time forgiving them when they arent sorry and they keep doing it...

Lately God has really shown me the beauty in a lot of things, or in different ideas...He has really stolen my heart...I have been challenged to know his word even more than I know song lyrics (sounds goofy, but basically any song that comes on the radio i can sing....and I cant just ramble off something so much more important and eternal....the thought of that bothers me.)

Just wanna share something with you...

Dear (Insert your name here),

You have captured my heart, my princess/prince. I will always love you. From the moment I dreamed you up, I LOVED and ADORED you. This love I have for you is never ending and ever present. My heartfelt desire is for you to walk through all of your days knowing that you are truly the love of my life. I never want you to feel like you have to earn my affection; nothing you have said or done can or will ever change the way I feel about you. I have chosen you to be my precious Bride. If you allow your soul to settle into Mine and become one with Me, you will never doubt that I am forever and always devoted to you.

Love,
Your Prince Jesus

I read that this morning, and all day all i can think is....Wow...that is Love. Not just the love thrown around in this generation but that is perfect love. That is concentrated Love. The real deal....