Life lately seems to be one or the other. There are moments when I think nothing could be better, when I think I have reached the top, only to be followed by a moment I dread, and conversation I dread or drama that I really dont want to be a part of. The hardest part of this entire transition is being Nicoleless. lol My best friend is one of a kind. Its one of those things I dont have to say one word and she knows exactly what is going on. I swear she keeps me sane!! When things are sour, her and I usually go to walmart and buy pickles and cookie dough and have a movie night...she even holds me sometimes when I need it, or we go rollerblading, or to "make-out rock." Her and I are two totally different people, but we understand each other better than anyone else I know. Nicole, I am going crazy without you...
There is something about home....I dont like Wisconsin, dont like Oshkosh, and dont have many friends to go home to, but there is something about home that makes everything better. Maybe its the smell of my house, or my family, maybe its that my dogs greet me no matter what mistakes i made or what my mood is, maybe its the quiet snow that seems to alwasy be falling, maybe its because I know my place there, im not sure...but home..i sure do miss you, and i cant wait to pay a visit...regain my sanity....
God has been really speaking to me about joy...He has been showing me that Joy isnt conditional...he gave me a reason to have joy...bad days will come, mood swings will come, but i always have a reason to have joy and never have a reason to be without it...thats something I have been working towards...
Lately...when i pray, i feel like I am talking to myself, to a brick wall...I just wanna be like God are you listening! Are you there...but then he has been speaking to me through a lot of other things...just don't always feel like he's listening....its frustrating...
I have really been trying to map out a good relationships...Pastor Kyle and Jess at Central Assembly have really been a role model to me, they have no idea, but I have kinda been watching them, and I really look up to them and what they have together. I noticed one of the coolest things ever this week...even more than Caleb is my boyfriend...he is my best friend here...I value our friendship so much, I have had a huge breakthrough...I had no problem trusting him with my life, but today was the day that I gave complete trust in him...he has my heart and I trust him with my feelings and emotions...there is no turning back from here...I am in this for the long run. Can't wait to bring him home, I am so proud of him as a person and also proud to say he is mine!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Come to the realization.
Lately I have been thinking...What does a good relationship look like...I have had a near perfect relationship modeled to me by my parents. I would kill to have what they have...but if i had what they have, it wouldn't be my relationship, wouldn't be customized. I myself have never experienced a healthy, deep, relationship, so this is something I have been thinking about.
Sometimes I struggle with the thought that I will never succeed in a good healthy relationship, because the devil has really messed me up with some bad relationships, most don't know that though because I do not open up and explain details or experiences I have had. Sometimes the devil tries to tell me I don't deserve it. Trust is the hardest thing for me...i can easily trust someone with my life, but I struggle trusting..its not just a struggle, its near impossible for me to trust someone with my emotions and with my heart.
Now you have heard the kinda down part...but this is me declaring victory. For every note I wrote saying I would never trust again, or let my walls down for anyone, SCREW YOU! lol (that kinda feels good to say). God has made me new, and God set me up for success! Every day I wake up and have to decide if I am going to let someone in or not, "God did not make us to be alone"....God has restored me, and I feel like he is really convicting me of living a life of fear. So, here is the deal, God is gonna be my strength, and even though my past made me who I am today, It will not dictate my present or my future, because I let it dictate too much of my life already, and it wears me out worrying and fearing so much. So I am shaking it off. I am going to trust like my trust has never been broken.
That was my random rampage, but I guess I have been really wondering what a healthy relationship includes, I have a lot of ideas, and have been learning a lot of what one looks like, but I want peoples input and ideas (especially you Mommy Hansen!! lol)
SO I AM ASKING FOR YOUR COMMENTS!!
Sometimes I struggle with the thought that I will never succeed in a good healthy relationship, because the devil has really messed me up with some bad relationships, most don't know that though because I do not open up and explain details or experiences I have had. Sometimes the devil tries to tell me I don't deserve it. Trust is the hardest thing for me...i can easily trust someone with my life, but I struggle trusting..its not just a struggle, its near impossible for me to trust someone with my emotions and with my heart.
Now you have heard the kinda down part...but this is me declaring victory. For every note I wrote saying I would never trust again, or let my walls down for anyone, SCREW YOU! lol (that kinda feels good to say). God has made me new, and God set me up for success! Every day I wake up and have to decide if I am going to let someone in or not, "God did not make us to be alone"....God has restored me, and I feel like he is really convicting me of living a life of fear. So, here is the deal, God is gonna be my strength, and even though my past made me who I am today, It will not dictate my present or my future, because I let it dictate too much of my life already, and it wears me out worrying and fearing so much. So I am shaking it off. I am going to trust like my trust has never been broken.
That was my random rampage, but I guess I have been really wondering what a healthy relationship includes, I have a lot of ideas, and have been learning a lot of what one looks like, but I want peoples input and ideas (especially you Mommy Hansen!! lol)
SO I AM ASKING FOR YOUR COMMENTS!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Transition.
So much has happened I do not know where to begin. First though who ever is reading this, know that I am going to be an open book, so basically you are going to see all of my true colors and I am not going to hold back, so that is your warning.
I basically just disappeared from home...I didnt really tell many people I was going to be leaving. The reason for that is that I dont feel super close to many people at home. My best friend Nicole and her entire family I am very close to, but for the most part I feel like there are a lot of surface or artificial relationships simply because we are in the same place at the same time. I am almost desperate for a friendship that is more than that. Nicole is really the only lasting meaningful relationship I have had...seems like in other states I can't find that. I want someone to be honest with me, to tell me how it really is. Not put on the fake smile, tell me the hurtful truth sometimes. I need to be pushed, to be questioned...
Being here in Springfield I have met a lot of people who I would like to make that part of my life, and I would like to invest that time and effort in as well...but I guess I am just waiting for it to get to that depth.
My best friend is in Spain, and I am so excited for her!! I wish so bad I was there with her...but I guess God had a different agenda for me.
God has been amazing through everything that has happened. There has been a lot of times where I have been frustrated with Him and felt alone, but it only lasts a moment. He has made Him self known in every area of my life. He has really laid the book of Esther on my heart lately...God is my King and I feel like hes saying I will give you half of my Kingdom...is it selfish if i want the Nations...is that more than half? That is my favorite worship song tho...I want my family to be safe, secure, and healthy...i want God to rejuvinate them, to show up and bless them, and I want the nations!! I dont know how He is going to use me...and that is hard for me...i feel discouraged like I dont know what I am working towards...but i have built up anticipation and I know He will let me know when I am ready!
Lastly, I am sure if you are reading this at all, and you know me, you are like woah Brooke has a boyfriend? So yes, I have a boyfriend. He will be coming to Wisconsin pretty soon with me (cant tell you when because I am keeping it a secret from Whitney so it can be a surprise!!) It has been a total God thing how everything has worked out. I am very comfortable in thi srealtionship and also excited to say its going in the right direction! It is nice to have someone challenge you spiritually and also be in a relationship where God is the Mediator. It all seems fast and almost too much to take in all at once, but Caleb has been such a blessing, and an amazing friend also. I have a pretty good feeling about this one. Can't wait for all you guys to meet him!
I basically just disappeared from home...I didnt really tell many people I was going to be leaving. The reason for that is that I dont feel super close to many people at home. My best friend Nicole and her entire family I am very close to, but for the most part I feel like there are a lot of surface or artificial relationships simply because we are in the same place at the same time. I am almost desperate for a friendship that is more than that. Nicole is really the only lasting meaningful relationship I have had...seems like in other states I can't find that. I want someone to be honest with me, to tell me how it really is. Not put on the fake smile, tell me the hurtful truth sometimes. I need to be pushed, to be questioned...
Being here in Springfield I have met a lot of people who I would like to make that part of my life, and I would like to invest that time and effort in as well...but I guess I am just waiting for it to get to that depth.
My best friend is in Spain, and I am so excited for her!! I wish so bad I was there with her...but I guess God had a different agenda for me.
God has been amazing through everything that has happened. There has been a lot of times where I have been frustrated with Him and felt alone, but it only lasts a moment. He has made Him self known in every area of my life. He has really laid the book of Esther on my heart lately...God is my King and I feel like hes saying I will give you half of my Kingdom...is it selfish if i want the Nations...is that more than half? That is my favorite worship song tho...I want my family to be safe, secure, and healthy...i want God to rejuvinate them, to show up and bless them, and I want the nations!! I dont know how He is going to use me...and that is hard for me...i feel discouraged like I dont know what I am working towards...but i have built up anticipation and I know He will let me know when I am ready!
Lastly, I am sure if you are reading this at all, and you know me, you are like woah Brooke has a boyfriend? So yes, I have a boyfriend. He will be coming to Wisconsin pretty soon with me (cant tell you when because I am keeping it a secret from Whitney so it can be a surprise!!) It has been a total God thing how everything has worked out. I am very comfortable in thi srealtionship and also excited to say its going in the right direction! It is nice to have someone challenge you spiritually and also be in a relationship where God is the Mediator. It all seems fast and almost too much to take in all at once, but Caleb has been such a blessing, and an amazing friend also. I have a pretty good feeling about this one. Can't wait for all you guys to meet him!
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